Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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