i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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