he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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