he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
