Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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