At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
