Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
