I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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