Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
