Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I will pee on everything he values.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
