Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
organizing the empties. That sober.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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