I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
