No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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