I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
