tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
