Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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