Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize