Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
