The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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