Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
