remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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