Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
