Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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