i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
