The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize