Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
