she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
