I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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