I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
