Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
