just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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