Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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