i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
