That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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