How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
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