So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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