Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
