I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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