I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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