Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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