What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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