i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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