The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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