You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
