i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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