Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
