watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
