Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
