Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
