i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
