and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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