and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
