I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm just crazy horny about you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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