I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
