come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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