OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
