i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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