After last night, I could never be a politician.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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