Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
