i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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