I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
