So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
