guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
