Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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